these 8 weeks were much harder than what i have expected.
some nights, i broke out in cold sweat with my mind still actively thinking that i must remember to do this and that the next morning. some days, i was feeling sick but still struggled through the duties of the day. some weekends, i spent working or going back to office to clear the neverending workload, all of my own intent but still exhausting nevertheless.
and so many times, i found myself just taking a deep breath and saying, jiayou!
i have never felt so intense. and if this were to continue, i would inevitably fall hopelessly ill and the inertia that followed subsequently i would fail to defeat. and of course, it's the precious moments with my loved ones that im sacrificing as well...
this is a prc company with a prc way of doing things. everyday, i get students coming into the office angrily and screamed at the top of their voice in order to get something done for them. and slowly i realised that, being weak wasn't the best solution cuz ultimately they will just take advantage of your weakness and demand more things.
and even for ladies, (which i thought prc ladies are more demure), they just barge to my office, screamed at the top of their voice at something which is totally not within my control.
and for those MCPs who think that men is the boss and women are nth, they simply dun give u any face and use their MCP ways to fight their way through.
and for the indecisive management and boss who played taichi so well, pushing responsibilities to one another with nowone wanting to bear it, the staff will eventually be the one doing and making all decisions and when things go wrong, they only point fingers.
the only thing that makes my feel that my efforts were worthwhile is when students came in to thank me sincerely, offer me food or talk to me like a friend. that's the only but greatest achievement here.
every sunday night i have to tell myself, you must, you can and you will surpass yourself again in the week ahead.
it has been tiring. my life is out of balance and i had enough.
i have stopped going shopping.
i have stopped sitting down in front of the tv to enjoy a show.
i have stopped meeting my friends.
i have stopped doing a good job in coaching my tuition kids.
i have stopped going msn.
i have stopped talking about aunty about my work cuz it's always the same.
i have stopped communicating with my loved ones.
i have stopped understanding others.
A teacher came to tell me it's impossible to play Miss Nice to everyone because it will be too much for me to handle.
I have totally agreed.
The burden of the whole school, the promises made to the students all fall on my shoulders and i always hope to find an optimum point where it's a win-win situation but it has been too heavy on my shoulders that i cannot take it anymore.
everyday, i go to work with a frightened feeling, afraid that any decisions which i made will get anyone into trouble. it's like, my words weigh so much power that it is scary. really.
in fact, I am on the verge of breaking down any moment.
i swallowed as much as i could for the past two months, not wanting to add burden to anyone because i understand that work is stressful and tiring for others as well.
i refreshed myself and tried to keep myself chirpy and optimistic no matter how helpless and tiring i felt all times because i hope this little smile of mine could make the day for others.
You asked me to understand, i tried.
He asked me to understand, i tried.
She asked me to understand, i tried.
i wanted to understand the whole world,
i wanted to take into account and be considerate of each other's feelings,
i wanted as much to do my role well in whatever ways i can,
i give my support in any ways,
i give my advice in any ways,
i give my encouragement in any ways,
i give my listening ears in any ways,
i give my time in any ways...
and in the midst of doing all these,
satisfying others and trying not to piss anyone off,
who actually becomes aware that i need the support as well?
who actually comes and give me a patt on the shoulder or a encouraging look?
who actually remembers that i am having a hard time?
who actually is willing to spend time to understand me?
while spending time to make the whole world happy,
it's saddening to realise that nobody is there for me at all.
and in the end,
everyone felt that i wasn't doing enough
in the end,
nothing makes the other person happy
in the end,
i can only cry to myself and say: "it's okay"
我希望我不是辉之则来、呼之则去的风。
更希望也有人过来对我说："i'm always there for you."
我已经无力了。
我不想那么坚强，可以吗？
