When I was a kid, adults always tell me to enjoy my childhood days as a student as it is the best moment in life. I always wonder why, and now that I have passed that happiest moment, Im missing it so much.
Sometimes, I sit and wonder, why is growing up so painful and torturous?
Not that i have been living in agony. But i just miss the feeling of having to think about nothing.
I am truly blessed to have a wonderful job, with senior and boss taking very good care of me. I have the chance to see many things which i wont be able to see , I have the chance to try new things , i have to the chance to meet people from all walks of life , and i even have the chance to have my own column, with my photos appearing in papers as well.
Alot of chances given and now that one of our colleagues have left, I have even more opportunities to learn more things. Grateful and appreciative of course, but now Im feeling that my life is going faster than i can catch up.
The pace is simply suffocating. So much so that it's breathing down my neck.
While I've been honest about being behind and being overwhelmed, I don't have any real outlet to release other than running away.
Im not as much of a perfectionist as a Virgo, but me being me, I hope i can get things done in the quickest and not-too-bad way.
At this moment, I'm feeling i'm not good enough.
I am not a careful person, perhaps clumsy. i scream at students when they make the smallest mistakes with numbers, but now, im constantly writing 错别字 for my articles. As much as i "checked", sometimes i think and i read faster than i type. And i just hate myself for this.
i cant write for art. having to write so so so much flowery words and to instill the artistic feel into the article is simply torturing.
I’m far from perfect. But i have been working real hard. i have been doing much to prove that i can work. But maybe, it's not enough...
im glad that i wasn't running for news, really. Writing really needs inspiration sometimes, if i were in news, i have to force myself to churn out articles everyday and run with the deadlines. A good form of training indeed, but i will die pain pain for sure.
Sometimes when i open a new document, i felt like i am starting a new race. and to start this race, as well as to end it, there needs to be motivation and determination.
For now, I'm lacking motivation.
Please don't rush me and constantly reminding me what work have i not done. Though i look like i don't care, but i jolly well know it much better myself and these constant reminders, though caring on your part, may just bring me more unnecessary stress than i ever need.
i have been working for the past whole week. literally whole week, including sat and sun. i really need a break, desperately.
i know i have been catching small, yet unrecognized, breaks every now and then, but i just need a FULL break. even just for a day.
- i just need to break from all the 101 unread emails and having to constantly clear my mailbox everyday, if not it will run into the red zone.
- i just need a break from having to talk and hello to the 101 PRs and having to entertain each other as if we are like friends for 10 years.
- i just need a break from having to listen to phone calls from marketing and PR asking when the articles are going to be published and how big is it, because frankly, i really don't know and i have no control!
- i just need a break from having to answer the same questions "how long have u been in this job?" "what were u doing previously?" "what beat do u write?" etc etc etc.
- i just need a break from having to introduce myself and meet new people (note: i didn't say make new friends, i just say meet new people).
im feel lopsided. for now. and i seriously need stability, for a while.
At this moment of emotional low, perhaps, that’s why retail therapy works. Cos you know that as long as you’re willing to pay, you’ll get what you want, without having to exert too much brainwork, without having to worry it for days and weeks till it's done.
Alright, alright. No more self-pitying indulgence.
I know, people around me hates it when i'm like that.
I know, I hate it when I’m like that.
I know i can do it. I just need some time to regain the balance in life.
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